Am not sure I still believe!
Many months ago, I got faced with the stark reality of having to believe God for something that I felt I deserved. Ever been here? Where you are waiting on God and he appears to be taking His sweet time? How many of you know that those are not the moments when you want someone dishing that "God's timing is perfect" line? Or the other one about "God's will...blah blah blah"? You see, I have always known I am loved by God...well, if I am writing this, ALWAYS may not be the ideal word so let's go with MOST TIMES. And btw I know that scripture reference on "children not being given stones or snakes when they ask for bread or fish".
So, here I am, child of God. No doubt, no contentions. Scripture says it, God says it, I believe it. Basically, we've got the whole shebang covered. The checklist is looking good from up here - those moments you're rubbing your hands and salivating at the prospect of what is to come. Recently I was laughing with some friends about these kinds of situations btw; those situations where you're so sure that something is coming through that you start planning around it. Picture this; you have just been informed that next week you will have two million in your account. Now, you're at DT Dobie making promises that before the end of next week they are going to see you for sure; you have gone to Kuria's shop (that around-the-corner shop that advances you goods on credit when your income is playing hard to get) and taken 20k worth of goods on credit. Basically, bold moves. After all, next week is certain, and so are the goodies that come with it, or so you think.
Your mouth is on overdrive being Paul in his boasting moments. You're relating well well with those verses on "boasting in the Lord" and "boasting in the cross". You are walking taller than your regular frame and your demeanour is 'that of a champion' - that's what Pastor said...right? So, you have even calculated tithe and you are at that point where you know now finally you are walking into your 'Abrahamic inheritance'. Can I get an Amen? Anyways, that was me. Nobody had promised me a million shillings, but nevertheless, in my own small world, whatever was coming was going to change my life. FOR GOOD.
I am here declaring how "the expectation of the righteous shall not be thwarted" and my 'tongues game' (that's a real thing btw) is on an all-time high. A 'tongues game' is that moment when you can't help but break out in tongues every few moments, because you are erupting in continuous praise. It is this moment you discover that you can actually produce those "groanings of the Spirit that cannot be uttered" that scripture talks about. Bottom line: me and God are at a better-than-amazing space.
Your EDD (expected due date; expected date of delivery) - not the actual one where a baby is meant to be birthed but still valid because you are pregnant with expectation - comes and goes. You don't panic. you're standing on the promises after all. You persist. After all, even though you know better, you still have that philosophy on "God testing you for faithfulness" to fall back to. Right? Days, weeks, go by. A little panic is now setting in. I start analyzing my belief. Verses like "some of you do not receive because you ask amiss" begin to come to mind. Now, I have become that person who can no longer come home during the daytime - the one who has to change the route to the one that doesn't go past Kuria's shop. An overbearing silence is now my constant companion. I am crashing through the stages of grief pretty quickly; I have already gone through denial, anger and now i am coming to the end of bargaining. I know that depression is next and that light at the end of the tunnel is suddenly beginning to look like an oncoming train.
And now as quickly as my assurance for a better tomorrow came, the doubt comes. I try reassuring myself and standing firm on what I feel He said. My prayer life is taking a big hit in all this. I feel lost. Very lost. And suddenly it hits me. I am not sure I still believe in God!
So, now I am in a dilemma that I never planned for in the first place. Will I get out of it? Check in next time and find out.
So, here I am, child of God. No doubt, no contentions. Scripture says it, God says it, I believe it. Basically, we've got the whole shebang covered. The checklist is looking good from up here - those moments you're rubbing your hands and salivating at the prospect of what is to come. Recently I was laughing with some friends about these kinds of situations btw; those situations where you're so sure that something is coming through that you start planning around it. Picture this; you have just been informed that next week you will have two million in your account. Now, you're at DT Dobie making promises that before the end of next week they are going to see you for sure; you have gone to Kuria's shop (that around-the-corner shop that advances you goods on credit when your income is playing hard to get) and taken 20k worth of goods on credit. Basically, bold moves. After all, next week is certain, and so are the goodies that come with it, or so you think.
Your mouth is on overdrive being Paul in his boasting moments. You're relating well well with those verses on "boasting in the Lord" and "boasting in the cross". You are walking taller than your regular frame and your demeanour is 'that of a champion' - that's what Pastor said...right? So, you have even calculated tithe and you are at that point where you know now finally you are walking into your 'Abrahamic inheritance'. Can I get an Amen? Anyways, that was me. Nobody had promised me a million shillings, but nevertheless, in my own small world, whatever was coming was going to change my life. FOR GOOD.
I am here declaring how "the expectation of the righteous shall not be thwarted" and my 'tongues game' (that's a real thing btw) is on an all-time high. A 'tongues game' is that moment when you can't help but break out in tongues every few moments, because you are erupting in continuous praise. It is this moment you discover that you can actually produce those "groanings of the Spirit that cannot be uttered" that scripture talks about. Bottom line: me and God are at a better-than-amazing space.
Your EDD (expected due date; expected date of delivery) - not the actual one where a baby is meant to be birthed but still valid because you are pregnant with expectation - comes and goes. You don't panic. you're standing on the promises after all. You persist. After all, even though you know better, you still have that philosophy on "God testing you for faithfulness" to fall back to. Right? Days, weeks, go by. A little panic is now setting in. I start analyzing my belief. Verses like "some of you do not receive because you ask amiss" begin to come to mind. Now, I have become that person who can no longer come home during the daytime - the one who has to change the route to the one that doesn't go past Kuria's shop. An overbearing silence is now my constant companion. I am crashing through the stages of grief pretty quickly; I have already gone through denial, anger and now i am coming to the end of bargaining. I know that depression is next and that light at the end of the tunnel is suddenly beginning to look like an oncoming train.
And now as quickly as my assurance for a better tomorrow came, the doubt comes. I try reassuring myself and standing firm on what I feel He said. My prayer life is taking a big hit in all this. I feel lost. Very lost. And suddenly it hits me. I am not sure I still believe in God!
So, now I am in a dilemma that I never planned for in the first place. Will I get out of it? Check in next time and find out.
Oh no!!! Why the suspense???
ReplyDeleteBut that's a very nice introduction
Suspense is a thing for me, as you might discover in many of my posts. Thank you very much
DeleteOkay...
ReplyDeleteWow! Wow! Wow! 🤣😂😂😂😂😂
😂😂
Delete