Am not sure I still believe! Part 2

Nothing takes you down crazy lane, a tailspin or a downward spiral like coming to a place where your faith in what you believed in most is uncertain! When the humbling moment comes, that causes you to have to tuck your tail firmly between your legs, eating humble pie is the best you can do. Nothing breaks a man's spirit better than realizing that you have to stop yapping and face the reality that is!

And so, as it hits me that my entire belief system has come crumbling down my feet, I have never felt more lost. Where is God when you need Him? Right about now, an "unholy" anger (I have heard enough references on "holy" anger in my life to realize that if that exists, the one I am feeling is the very opposite) is beginning to simmer deep within again! It appears that my stages of depression are now on a loop; the disc must be scratched...I guess. With flash disks and memory card being the thing nowadays, you may not understand the struggles I had growing up - you see, once upon a time we had compact discs (CDs) and their greatest enemy was getting scratched. One scratch and your precious music would keep repeating a music segment till kingdom come.

Anyways, I am super furious, and then I am not, and the cycle of emotions goes on for well over a few hours. The book of Psalms should make sense right about now. I rake my brain on what David might have said about hopelessness and anxiety. Nothing. I close my eyes and try to zero in on any scripture that can rescue me. Still nothing! Have you ever been in a situation where you want a straw to clutch at, if that's what it will take for you to stay afloat, but even the straw is nowhere in sight? So now I have nothing to write home about and in the process I have lost my belief. At least if I had that, I would have an avenue to reach out to God.

Darkness is closing in and I can already feel the light in my eyes being stifled. I know that for a fact because tears are welling up in my eyes. I can almost feel depression circling above me, getting ready to dig its talons into my chest. I swallow a big lump of saliva. I sigh deeply. Shame is tightening its wrists around my neck. I am done for!

And then I do the craziest thing I have done in a long time. I open my mouth and let my frustrations out. I look up and send the fastest string of accusations that I have ever uttered, at God. Boy does He get the brunt of my wrath! For the next fifteen or so minutes, I let Him have it! "You are deliberately withholding things from me; You are not really as faithful as You say; what have I done to deserve Your cruelty; why do You keep saying I ask for stuff that You are unwilling to provide, etc". I went on and on until I felt I couldn't go any farther! I felt lighter. I felt freer...maybe even happier.

As the last words of confrontation and accusation came out of my mouth, I half expected that lightening would strike me down that instant; But I didn't care. He didn't care after all. Him smiting me would probably be a welcome relief to me, or Him (I didn't know which) - one more mite that He had extinguished from existence. As my boldness from a few moments ago slowly turned into indifference and then blankness, I couldn't help but feel the tension I had just released into the atmosphere.

Then, I felt the atmosphere shift suddenly. He was here. I could sense something was different about the atmosphere. I prepared myself to meet my Maker (pun intended). "Goodbye world, I'll miss you", I thought. "Goodbye Cee, I was just getting to know you but it seems God has other plans" I thought some more. A variety of thoughts in every extreme possible crossed my mind. I was sure that God coming this swiftly meant that the sentencing would be just as swift, and I would receive the maximum penalty. I closed my eyes ready to wake up in hell.

What will the sentence be? How pissed is God? Find out as we wrap it up in the next part.